Tough Pills to Swallow : Codependency Edition
Yeah, we gotta sit down and accept some facts before we get better
Oh hey there.
If you landed here, chances are :
1. You searched for ‘codependency help’ because you are codependent.
2. You are tired of being codependent, but cannot get better.
3. You are reading all mental health articles you can find, bookmarking and skimming but not actually learning.
4. You came here via my social media pages (I appreciate you.)
I am a self-confessed recovering codependent. You probably know what it means to be codependent. If I got to define codependency based on the most challenging way I experienced it, it would be :
a condition where a person believes that they need to make other people behave in ways they want, in order to survive.
My battle with codependency has been long, exhausting, ridiculous and boring. For now, I will not talk about how I learned codependent behaviors.
But I will talk about what I had to accept in order to unlearn them.
And some of them are tough pills to swallow.
#1 You are making it all about THEM. ‘It’ refers to your time and energy.
Your time on the planet, your thoughts, actions are precious no matter what you think. As a codependent, all my time and energy was lost on other people. Good people, bad people, red people, blue people — anyone but me. When I felt depressed, I blamed other people. When I was happy, it was because I did something for someone and they appreciated me. When I was angry, it was because I wasn’t appreciated. When I was relaxed, it was because other people were behaving in the way I liked. Even if one person I valued behaved differently, I would tense up again. Is this relatable?
TAKE ACTION : Always bring back the focus to YOU.
Do things by yourself, for yourself. Challenge yourself to feel good without involving other people. Next time you are crying in the shower and thinking ‘everyone hates me’, ask yourself : Yeah what if they do? Can I control that? Can I make them all like me? Is it worth the effort? Should I try that new fancy soap? Well I am in the shower after all, it will be nice to get clean with jasmine soap. And then I can start working on my projects. Of course, my projects are important. Bring back the focus to you.
Here is a venn diagram which elucidates my point :
#2 Your ‘empathy’ isn’t actually empathy.
Suppose Alice is in a tough situation, unrelated to you. Empathy is the ability to understand that situation from the perspective of Alice. That’s it.
Empathy is NOT :
- Trying to feel like a good person by helping Alice while ignoring yourself.
- Rescheduling your dentist’s appointment to listen to her vent about her ex.
- Reluctantly tagging along with her because she doesn’t want to go to places alone, then resenting her for not ‘valuing’ you when she finds a new guy.
- Becoming available 24x7 to Alice
TAKE ACTION : Stop finding your worth in how much ‘they’ value you.
You are a valuable person. Intrinsically. So stop doing good deeds in hopes of being valued. And if you do decide to do good, do so without expectations. If you like giving, volunteer at a charity or a shelter home. But honestly, don’t go around looking for stamps of ‘THIS IS A GOOD, CERTIFIED EMPATHETIC PERSON, SIGNED YOURS GRATEFULLY ALICE.’ You know what I am talking about, yes you do.
#3 You are toxic — to yourself!
If something is toxic, then it has the effect of toxins, which is sickness and corruption and death. Yes your parents were toxic when they raised you, your ex was a toxic person who should never have dated you. All of that is valid, your pain is valid. But, in the aftermath what are you choosing to do? Do you cry rivers about toxic people at the therapist’s office in every sitting? Do you browse articles about toxic people to validate yourself? Do you consider yourself victimized? All this will keep you stuck, make you sick. All this is also toxic behavior which prevents your healing.
TAKE ACTION : Compassion (not pity) for yourself is the antidote.
Next time you find yourself thinking how toxic THEY were and how poor and lonely you are, pause. Labelling yourself as a victim is being cruel to yourself. Change your thoughts. Tell yourself, “I am going to be kind to myself. I am not letting the actions of toxic people affect me anymore. I am not using that to hurt myself anymore.” Next time, tell your therapist that you are done ‘venting’ and you want to challenge what the toxic people instilled in you. Heal yourself. Step by step.
CONCLUSION :
You are an amazing person, you are worthy and valuable. You must not depend on anyone else to feel good — you don’t need to! You are responsible for yourself and your emotions. You have no other option but to be kind and respectful of yourself.
And if you are getting in your own way, work on it.
